


The Nerve To Doubt Her

by fortissimo_hands



Series: Is It Over? [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Past Abuse, Pearl POV, Physical Abuse, Second person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-08 23:30:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20843834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortissimo_hands/pseuds/fortissimo_hands
Summary: When you do something right, nobody's sure you did anything at all.When you do something wrong, nobody's sure you did anything at all.Pearl starts questioning her treatment at the hands of Rose.





	1. The Nerve To Doubt Her

You were young when you were given to her.

Gems don’t age, and that’s what you would say when the humans pointed out how much older than you she looked. But Gems do age. Just not linearly. Not year-by-year as humans and other organic life forms do, but they mature through experience and choose forms that fit the age they view themself as.

It’s always a little jarring to see the others. Blue Diamond’s and Yellow Diamond’s Pearls, generally referred to as Blue Pearl and Yellow Pearl for convenience. It’s jarring to see that they’re so young. You were created after them, and yet you matured first; you grew into an adult while they remained vulnerable adolescents.

You can’t help but wonder if it’s the Diamonds.

Blue, Yellow, and White are trying to redeem themselves, yes, and you give them credit for their lack of harm toward their Pearls since they started making an effort to change … but you have to acknowledge the fact that for thousands of years they treated their slaves horribly, and that sort of thing has got to have an effect on them.

The Pearls are still flinchy.

They both refused and borderline panicked at the suggestion, but you really think it might be best for them to come live on Earth, possibly permanently. Or move to a different part of Homeworld. Just take some time away from their respective Diamonds -- not completely cutting off contact with them, but allowing themselves time to recover and grow without being afraid of something that’s no longer a threat.

How can you expect them to grow if they’re constantly re-exposed to trauma?

(You’ve grown more in the last sixteen years with Steven than you did in millenia with Rose.)

(That’s a lie. You grew more in the first four years while Steven lived with Greg than you did in millenia with Rose.)

* * *

You were equals from the moment she asked you to imagine.

Technically speaking, she owned you. She owned you right up until you helped her fake her own death. But in practical terms, starting from when she first took on the disguise of Rose Quartz, she was your equal. Her authority and power over you was something she used only under the watch of the other Diamonds, and only to avoid letting you be taken from her.

Oh, and that one time after you faked her death, but that was no big deal.

Of course she ordered you not to tell anyone of her secret. If you had told anyone, it would have created severe problems for each and every Crystal Gem. She couldn’t have known that all but three of them (four if you count Ruby and Sapphire separately) would be corrupted, or that she would later have a son whose presence would overcomplicate things.

And there was the occaisional “You’re my Pearl, do as I say,” in an argument, but that didn’t count. She had no power over you (apart from the ability to give you a command you were physically incapable of disobeying), and so any statements of her being your Diamond were moot. Besides, she was usually right in an argument, and if she’s right it does not matter what she says, because saying something rude and a little threatening does not invalidate her argument.

(You were disgusted, confused, and a little angry when Steven told you the truth about what happened to Bismuth. Bubbling her when she was behaving violently was normal, but refusing to tell others what happened? It seemed like she just didn’t want people to be allowed to disagree with her.)

(You weren’t surprised. After all, you were never allowed to disagree with her. Why would anyone else be?)

* * *

You’re just a Pearl, and that’s why you manipulated your closest friend.

You hate yourself for what you did to Garnet, but you’ve apologised and she’s forgiven you. You can’t quite forgive yourself, especially since you can’t help but fear that you’ll be found out at any moment.

That Garnet will discover that you never had issues. You never had problems with your self-esteem. Your already selfish excuse for taking advantage of her is rendered moot, because your low self-esteem stems from being “just a Pearl”, and with a kind and benevolent owner, you were never “just a Pearl”.

Until you were.

You were luckier than Blue Pearl and Yellow Pearl. You never had the phrase “just a Pearl” screamed at you for daring to step out of line or voice your own opinions, usually immediately before being poofed.

No, you weren’t degraded for your place in Homeworld’s hierachy in times of fury. Instead the comments toward your worthlessness as a Pearl were slipped into regular conversation, waved away as being to protect her from the other Diamonds and yet still mentioned in her Rose Quartz form, until you believed it without question.

She told you not to charge into battle impulsively and guard her from any attack. She told you that it was incredibly easy to destroy a Pearl’s physical form and virtually impossible to destroy a Diamond’s. She told you that you might be shattered while your gem was exposed, and you wouldn’t want that.

But she admired that you were so devoted to her.

(Sardonyx, as a fusion, was the embodiment of a specific type of relationship. Sardonyx was the embodiment of a relationship built on the foundations of manipulation and deception. Sardonyx was the embodiment of a relationship that’s toxic, but in a way that you can’t recognize until it’s over.)

(Sardonyx had pink diamonds on her shoes.)

* * *

She healed every crack.

She would cry with guilt and let her tears fall over your wound. It was always okay in the end.

She would never apologise, but she would heal you, so it made no difference. It was always okay in the end.

She would always find ways to say it was your fault, that she had the right to do it after the way you were acting, but she healed you before the crack could spread to dangerous levels, so it was fine. It was always okay in the end.

You can’t blame her. Diamonds are notoriously hard to even scratch, let alone crack. She probably had no idea how painful it was.

There were times when you would feel spikes of anxiety for no reason, feeling sure something was about to aim for your head and shatter you despite the war being over. And she would hold you and kiss you and tell you everything was going to be okay.

Neither of you realised that maybe she was the reason you felt so anxious.

(You tried to make up reasons why it was different to how the other Diamonds treated their Pearls. It was different because she healed you right away. It was different because she had no authority over you and you could, in theory, hit her back. It was different because she used her hands, not her weapons. It was different because she targeted the gem she could heal, rather than the physical light form that would take weeks to repair. It was different because it came in response to an argument, not any time you expressed an opinion or didn’t do a job right.)

(You knew none of those reasons mattered. The real reason was much simpler. It was different because she loved you.)

* * *

When you do things right, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all.

When you do things wrong, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all.

You’re not sure she’s done anything at all. You’re quite sure you were both just victims of circumstance and it wasn’t her fault. But you can’t deny it’s been weighing on you.

And who better to ask for advice on relationships than the embodiment of one?

* * *

“Pearl.”

Her voice comes out as a sigh, laced with an accent you don’t know the origin of. Steven says Garnet’s voice is “British”, which you vaguely understand to be a place far away that has tea and the queen and other things, but Garnet had never been to “Britain” and she sounded that way before coming to Earth in the first place, so that can’t be it. Neither Ruby nor Sapphire have the accent; you don’t question it at this point.

“I’m going to tell you the truth here,” warns Garnet. “and I don’t think you’re going to like it.”

You hesitate, but you nod.

“Your relationship with Rose wasn’t toxic.” Before you can be relieved, she continues. “A toxic relationship comes from people having personalities that don’t mesh well together. Neither one is obviously right or wrong and both of them may have done bad things to the other. But they both come out of it damaged.”

“...And?”

“You never hurt Rose.” She adjusts her sunglasses. “But it’s becoming clear to me that she hurt you, both physically and emotionally.”

You hunch over where you stand, trying to make yourself as small as possible. You don’t want to hear what she has to say.

“When two people hurt each other, that’s toxic. But when she hurts you and you can’t do the same, that’s abuse.”

“No it isn’t,” you say automatically.

“You don’t actually have any arguments against me.”

“Rose wasn’t abusive, she was a saint,” you spit. “I’m offended by the mere suggestion.”

“Of course you are.”

You turn to stomp out of the room and Garnet speaks before you can leave. “If you can tolerate the incorrect gendering, you’ll save yourself a lot of time by going straight to Lundy Bancroft.”

You turn sharply. “What?!”

“You’re on the way to the library.” You can’t argue with her. She has future vision. “To research.”

“Hmmf,” you mutter, stomping outside.

(She has a point. It’s very informative.)

(You beging to think that maybe, just maybe, you can unlearn what she taught you.)


	2. Author's Note (Please Read Before Commenting)

wow, an entire chapter just for author's notes. is this ao3 or ff.net? or maybe wattpad, I see more of the stereotypical "badly written fanfiction by teenagers with entire chapter's just for author's notes that rudely interupt the story" on Wattpad now.

look. please read this note before commenting on this fic.

all of it.

I'm going to say something right off the bat that a lot of you will disagree with. This isn't meant to be AU. It's not one of those stories that I wrote entirely to vent that had no basis in canon. This is meant to be, at least to a certain extent, canon compliant.

"Canon compliant" doesn't mean "this is what the creators intended, this is what makes the most sense and is implied in canon, and this will probably be confirmed in a later episode!", it means "this could, in theory, happen in the canon universe without creating major plot holes due to the timeline, though it is not directly confirmed by canon and is likely not what the creators intended". (or at least I think that's what it generally means. if i'm getting that term totally wrong then just ignore it for the sake of the argument.)

Do I think the Crewniverse imagined Prose as abusive? No, of course not. Do I think that this is the only valid interpretation of their relationship and anyone who ships them as a healthy relationship (or unhealthy due to pearl's extreme devotion/jealousy but not to the point of downright abuse) is an abuse apologist? No, I hardcore shipped Prose for a long time. I just think that abusive!prose is a valid interpetation of the show, even it it's clearly not what the creators intended.

I'm not going to explain why I think it is, because most of the people who are about to leave a comment are Prose shippers (which is totally fine, btw, prose being abusive is more of a personal headcanon than anything else so it's not like it's the same as shipping Jaspis -- it's just that obviously most prose shippers don't want to read a paragraph about why their fave ship is abusive) -- just suffice to say, there were numerous red flags in both the way Rose treated Pearl and the way Pearl seemed to think of her in the main show that made me think that there might be some serious problems here.

Again, none of this is canon. There are many ways to interpret prose in canon - obviously there's Rose being abusive like in this fic, but there's also the "great relationship they loved each other loads" interpretation (which is my second fave beside the one in this fic) the "mostly good but a little unhealthy due to Pearl having no self-esteem, a sacrificial mindset and jealousy issues when Greg came along" interpretation, and heck, with the Sardonyx incident and her jealousy over Greg in the flashback episodes you could probably make a case for Pearl being abusive. Rose abusing Pearl isn't what the creators intended; it's just what I intended.

I don't want to debate in the comments over whether Prose is abusive. Partially because I know that in the show itself it's not confirmed to be abusive, and this one fanfic written by a teenager won't change that so if you don't like this depiction/interpretation then you can just ... not read the fic, since it was pretty clear by the summary and tags that it would involve abusive prose so it's not like I lured you into a trap or anything. And partially because ... look, I wasn't planning on saying this, but I wrote this to cope and some of the comments are hitting a little close to home.

Before someone inevitably asks why I didn't just say up-front that I wrote it to cope: Because I don't have to! Strangers on the Internet aren't entitled to details of my personal life and even my closest friends and family don't know about this so there's no reason why you should. I was hoping that you guys would be able to use logical reasoning to figure out that I might have written it to cope or, failing that, use the "don't like, don't read" rule to see that this might not be a great fic for a Prose shipper who loves Pink's character. I was hoping you guys would be compassionate.

Pretty silly thing to hope for if I'm going to be publishing something online, I know.

Basically ... I've been the Pearl in this fic. My relationship was platonic, not romantic, but I was already worried I'd get yelled at for demonising Rose in this without the added problem of making Prose platonic (because I know there are debates as to whether it was requited but Pearl DEF loved Rose). My "Rose" was a boy at school that spent months whittling away at my self-esteem and perception of friendships. And just like Rose, he's popular and well-loved and nobody would ever believe me if I said he hurt me. Some of the things commenters have said to defend Rose have hit a little close to home.

And also ... tbh, some of it reeks of abuse apologism. The main argument against me has been that "Rose wouldn't do that" in reference to the various abusive behaviours she displays in the fic. And honestly, it's really disheartening to hear that a character who *literally deliberately gave Pearl an order she was physically unable to obey* "wouldn't take advantage of the previous slave/owner dynamic" because I know that's exactly what they would say if they knew the boy from my school and saw this fanfic written about him.

Except he would do that. And he did.

I guess the moral here is that abusers can be anyone. They can seem like literal saints and still be abusive. They can be the school captain at your school and still be abusive. They can be leaders of an interstellar war that are actually manipulating both sides of the fight and still be abusive. Commenters have pointed out the many canon!Prose moments and examples of character's praising Rose, and asked me, "would they do that if she was an abuser? would sapphire say good things about Rose if she was abusive? would rose seem happy at pearl showing individuality if she was abusive?"

And my only answer is yes. Yes, they absolutely would.

Also no offense but like ... the two commenters so far have tried to act like they're ~politely calling me out~ for writing something ~morally wrong~ (those aren't quotes from commenters it's just the general vibe i'm getting) despite being really openly horrible. like one of them attacked someone else who just commented positively because they think enjoying bad fanfiction is somehow unacceptable and the other one literally said it was insulting to pearl's character to depict her as some "abused delusional victim" -- dude, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that that's a really awful thing to say about abuse survivors and I'm not liking the implication that people who stay in abusive relationships do so because they're "delusional" and not because abusive relationships are 90% about control and part of control involves making it difficult for the victim to leave.


End file.
